What His Breakup Lines Really Mean

Every relationship goes through some bad times. Like the time you caught him flirting when he thought you weren’t watching, or the time the ex called and left a sultry message on the machine, or the time when the two of you fought like angry reptiles when one of you decided it was okay to spend the bonus money on the latest turbo tool. Certainly, though, the most awkward and uncomfortable time in a relationship comes at the very end of it – the time when the two of you (or at least one of you) decides it’s time to divide the iTunes account and move on.

No break-up is easy, and many guys resort to some old standards when it comes to conversational gambits in the final moments. This will help you decode what his cutting lines truly mean.

“It’s not you; it’s me.”
Translation: “It’s not me; it’s you.”

One-third of men admit that they’re lying when they blame themselves for the demise of the relationship. Of course, they’re trying to soften the blow a bit – to ensure that you know you’re a great person, a caring person, a person who’s perfectly right… for someone else. After all, if you were the right one (for him), it wouldn’t matter whether his mind was somewhere in Iceland; he’d find a way to make it work.

“I’m not ready for a relationship right now.”
Translation: “Whoa baby, slow down!”

Most guys – though they can come off as more desperate than a brewhound in a dry county – take their time testing the relationship waters. If a woman comes on too fast – with talk of futures, or of how she’s never felt this way before – then the man often will be likely to retreat. Fast. It’s not that he’s not ready for a relationship; it’s just that he’s not ready to decide whether “Mony Mony” should be in the second or third set of the reception playlist.

“Can I call you sometime?”
Translation: “If you’re ever lonely at 3 a.m. on a Saturday night….”

Well, he may or may not be that crass, but he is trying to keep the door cracked. If he’s the one who’s doing the ditching, then he’s (unfairly, mind you) trying to lead you to believe that a break will strengthen the possibilities of some kind of rekindled romance in the future. If he’s the victim, then he’s trying to hang onto any slim chance he may have in the future with you (or possibly one of your friends). Either way, check out this story and beware the drunk-dialing ex; professors have actually studied this and concluded it’s not without its pitfalls.

“I still care about you.”
Translation: “Please don’t tell your friends I’m a jerk.”

Truth is, he probably does care about you. Still cares that you do well, that you find someone, that you get what you want in life. But what he’s also saying is, please don’t tell all your friends to cross me off their lists. The relationship may be broken, but it’s a pretty big concern that his reputation remains intact.

3 Signs That Your Man is Cheating

How do you know if you are dating a cheater? You don’t need to be a private eye to suss out these warning signs:

1. Revived Interest in Appearance: If your partner suddenly undergoes a makeover of sorts, in which he spends much more time on his appearance, it could mean that he is trying to impress someone new. If he all of the sudden ditches his old khakis and sweats for something more stylish, it might be because he is trying to look his best for a new woman.
2. Missing in Action: If there are large periods in which your partner is absent and unaccounted for, it could be because there are mischievous motives behind his AWOL behavior. Whether it is a run to the corner store that takes over an hour, or whether he is constantly “working late,” a missing husband could mean something sinister.
3. Mysterious Texts or Phone Calls: If you notice mysterious texts or phone calls on your phone bill, or if your husband tries to hide the phone bill or his cell phone from you, it might mean that there is a new love interest in the rafters. Additionally, if he spends more time on the computer, or tries to hide the screen he was looking at when you walk in the room, this is a good indicator that he might be philandering via the worldwide web.

Of course, the best way to discover what your partner is up to behind your back is to communicate openly and honestly with him. Share your fears regarding his fidelity and try to discuss the matter before you go crazy with worry. Remember, things are not always as they seem!

If you discover that your partner has been unfaithful, find out how to Repair After an Affair.

15 Simple Ways to Keep Your Partner Happy

So you’re in a relationship and your partner starts nagging. She tells you that you just don’t understand her, and that she really wishes that you would just do more “little things.”

It’s not the big things that make her happy; it’s paying attention to the little details and showing you care that is really meaningful. She doesn’t necessarily need lavish gifts — she needs to know you’re thinking about her.

Here are some ideas to get you started doing these “little things” she really wants:

1. Rub her feet instead of asking her if she wants you to rub her feet. Make it look like you want to do it.

2. Make her dinner one night. Don’t ask her if she wants you to make dinner. Make her dinner before she gets home.

3. Light a candle so that she arrives home to a nice environment instead of coming home to the glaring lights of the television and other things.

4. Send her a text in the middle of the day telling her “I miss your smile from this morning” or “Last night was amazing!” or “The conversation we had last night was great.”

5.

Send an eCard in the middle of the day… something cute to remind her how much you really care about her.

Send an eCard in the middle of the day… something cute to remind her how much you really care about her.

6. If she’s going on a business trip, offer to drive her to the airport or pick her up to make her life that much easier.

7. Let her have control of the remote control. Don’t monopolize it for a change. Just give it to her and let her actually sit there and enjoying watching one of her shows. Then you can share one of her interests by watching it with her.

8. Offer to iron one of her shirts or take her clothes to the dry cleaner.

9. Clean up the bathroom without being asked. Don’t just sit there and ignore the mess around the toilet. If you know it drives her crazy to see water splashed all around the sink, dry that area after you use it.

10. If you work out together, enjoy it with her instead of rushing through your own workout and then not letting her workout at the same time.

11. Take a shower together, then wash her hair, scrub her back, and give her a spa treatment. Do this and enjoy it!

12. The next time she gives you a massage, give her a massage the next day. Offer it! Don’t just say you’ll give her a massage…do it!

13. Surprise her by making plans. Tell her, “We’re going out tonight honey.” You can even just go out for a drink or dinner somewhere. It’s taking the initiative that’s important.

14. Decide on and set aside one night a week as date night. Have a date like when you first started dating.

15. Call her in the middle of the day and just say hello. Don’t wait for her to call you.

It can be simple to keep her satisfied. It’s not necessarily about what you give her financially or what gifts you give her. That’s a cop out. It’s the little things. The guy who makes the biggest mistake is the one who ignores their significant other then all of a sudden give them an expensive gift to make up for it. That doesn’t make up for it at all.

Metro Makeover: Insane or Inspired?

Question: My gal wants me to try being a metrosexual. I say no way!

Answer: You’re sitting around one night, watching the game, and your partner is reading one of her girly magazines. You know the ones: “How to Change Him in Five Days” or “20 Tips to Satisfy Your Man.” She leans over and says, “Honey, what do you say we shave your chest and dress you like a sophisticated gay man?” You wipe the buffalo wing sauce from your cheek and sit there, wondering if the publishers of these magazines are out to get you.

At first glance, I can understand why you might be put off by your woman’s request to turn you into a “metrosexual.” It may seem that she’s telling you she isn’t pleased with who you are anymore. But

since I always like to give someone the benefit of the doubt, I think there’s a lot of positive spin that can be put on her request

since I always like to give someone the benefit of the doubt, I think there’s a lot of positive spin that can be put on her request.

Take it as a compliment

The Urban Dictionary offers, among others, these definitions:

• A metro often appreciates the finer things in life and enjoys making himself look good.
• An American metrosexual is like your average European male. In France or Italy, men can be manly and work on cars and know about art and fashion at the same time. They don’t need some special name for the less “masculine” side; men who dabble in vanity or in lofty romantic concerns seem less like men when in fact, they are probably better lovers to women than their traditional counterpart.

You may not be comforted by the thought of being compared to an art-loving Frenchman, but I think your partner is proud of you. I think she is able to see your physical beauty and is proud to have you show it off. Clearly, she’s secure in her relationship with you because she’s not afraid to have you flaunt it! She’s also letting you know that you work hard and you deserve a little pampering –

it’s okay to spend a little money on yourself in this way

it’s okay to spend a little money on yourself in this way. I bet a lot of guys would be thrilled to have a gal with this attitude.

If, however, you’re not quite comfortable doing the whole metro schtick, do the aspects of it with which you are comfortable — try a striped button-down shirt or put a little gel in your hair.

Of course, as a relationships specialist, I can’t miss out on an opportunity to suggest that you might ask your partner why she’s made this request. Openings for communication and better understanding of one another comes in all shapes and sizes — even as a hairless metrosexual!

Unbalanced Relationship

Question: Why do I feel I’m doing more for the relationship than my partner is?

After the holidays, you looked at the mounds of wrapping paper surrounding your mate, then you examined your own paltry ashtray full of tissue paper. “That’s not fair!” you tell yourself, “I’m tired of being the only one to give in this relationship. When do I get?”

This scenario doesn’t just happen during the holidays. If you’re sensing there’s an imbalance between what you give and what you get in the relationship, it’s probably a feeling that is with you all year long. It’s easy for me to explain away this problem by simply saying, “This is because you are so much more loving and thoughtful than your partner, and your mate is more ignorant and uncaring than you.”

Maybe that is the case. But before you jump to conclusions, consider the possibility that your partner sees him or herself as giving plenty to the relationship. He or she may also believe there’s an imbalance, but concludes it’s because you’re not pulling your weight!

Why relationships are imbalanced

Two elements contribute to relationship imbalance: keeping score and differences in individual needs.

Two elements contribute to relationship imbalance: keeping score and differences in individual needs.

Let’s look first at scorekeeping. Early in your relationship you didn’t consciously keep track of who was giving what. Back then, you were so excited about this attractive new soul that just being together counted for more than any individual act on his or her part. During courting, you tended to give your mate the benefit of the doubt, and every effort to make you happy was appreciated. If he gave you yellow roses (even though you love white) you were happy; if she bought you tickets to a Guns N’ Roses concert even though you preferred Jimmy Buffet, you were thrilled.

During the introductory period, you looked at wrongly-chosen gifts and attention as ways to learn more about your partner, not as an automatic judgment of how well they knew you. By the time your official courting days ended and you decided to take your relationship to the next level, your unconscious scorekeeper led you to the impression that you were getting a lot — and you planned on having it stay that way.

As the relationship proceeds, the scorekeeping becomes more conscious and often appears to be more out of balance. One reason your partner seems to come up short is because once people take their relationship to the next level, they do focus less on doing things specifically to please their mate. It’s normal, of course, for some courting behaviors to dip, but thoughtfulness shouldn’t disappear off the face of the earth!

In fact, in most long-term relationships the giving doesn’t stop.

In fact, in most long-term relationships the giving doesn’t stop. So if there’s a fair amount of generosity on both sides, why does it seem like the giving well has dried up?

Bad assumptions

The reason is because of assumptions about who your partner is and what your partner needs. When you give truckloads of the things you value, you wonder why your partner doesn’t appreciate it and doesn’t reciprocate. That may be because you’re giving what you would like to have and not what your partner wants or needs. After settling down, if he continues to give her yellow roses on a daily basis, she begins to feel neglected because he should know she likes white roses.

Each partner makes a gesture, saying to themselves, “I give and give…,” and receives by reflecting, “I’m not getting what I want.” As couples proceed day in and day out, they start to tally up what is owed to them and see that their partners are coming up woefully short.

The imbalances occur over many more issues than simply gifts.

One partner may spend hours cleaning up the house spotlessly (as a gesture of love) and the other partner may not even notice.

One partner may spend hours cleaning up the house spotlessly (as a gesture of love) and the other partner may not even notice. Another partner may stay at work and earn extra money for the family (as a gesture of love) and may arrive home to a mate who’s annoyed that dinner was delayed. Not only doesn’t the extra income “count” as giving to the relationship, it’s actually seen as detracting from the relationship.

Restoring the balance

The problems can be solved, though, with a few steps to get the scales adjusted.

1. Focus less on keeping score and more on maintaining the relationship as a partnership. Remember, you’re both on the same team, and the goal is to keep it moving in the right direction.

2. Be open to the things your partner is giving you that you may not have appreciated before. Your mate may be making a contribution in ways you may not notice, such as suggesting a better tie to go with that shirt, fixing something around the house, or just sitting by your side when you’re blue.

3. Look for what your partner wants from you to show love. (Hint: it may be the things he or she does for you.) If you can learn what your mate values, you have a better chance of knowing what to give. Once you figure it out, don’t hold back, even though it’s something that you wouldn’t value yourself.

4. Don’t expect your partner to be able to read your mind. If you want certain things, let him or her know. Be ready to experience some slip-ups along the way, as old habits are hard to break. But don’t be frustrated, and continue to be clear about the things that you value; eventually you’ll start getting more of it.

5. When you make a mental list of needs and wants, include the following: “to see my mate happy.” That way, even when it seems like your partner is getting all the good presents on the holidays, you can still take some pleasure in his or her joy.

If you struggle with feeling like you get the short end of the stick, in most cases you can work to get things back in balance. That’s something that both of you want.

Dating Myth or Truth? Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater

So you’ve been cheated on. It’s devastating — like being kicked in the gut and thrown into the gutter. You can’t eat or function at work. Or maybe you’re up all night watching old movies, bawling, and eating pints of Ben and Jerry’s. Discovering your partner’s affair gives you such heartache and pain that you doubt you’ll ever recover.

But when the cheater tries hard to win you back, some questions loom large: Should you forgive him/her? Is this cheater going to cheat again? You may feel torn; perhaps wanting to take your remorseful partner back, but you feel like it’s a point of pride not to. You may want to drop the cheater altogether, dive into an online personals pool, and start looking for a more loyal significant other.

No doubt about it, it’s difficult to deal with a cheater, and you’re not alone. Research shows that even among married couples, cheating is relatively common: about 22% of men and 13% of women cheat. According to recent studies, even spouses who describe themselves as “happy” with their marriage have affairs.

But the good news is this:

Some couples who share strong chemistry can actually work through the crisis of an affair.

Some couples who share strong chemistry can actually work through the crisis of an affair. Not only that, they can become closer and put an end to cheating once and for all. In some cases, couples can learn and grow from the painful emotional hurricane, otherwise known as the aftermath of an affair.

Of course, there are promiscuous players who will cheat and cheat and cheat again. These are the ones you truly have to stay away from. How do you tell if you’re dealing with a chronic cheater?

Here are five signs that may indicate a former cheater is not a chronic case and that the relationship still has hope:

1. Your partner is truly remorseful and regrets having cheated. Look for heartfelt apologies that ring true when you hear them. He/she accepts total blame for his/her betrayal.

2. Your partner cuts off all contact with the relationship perpetrator.

3. He/she shows a renewed appreciation and devotion towards you.

4. You wind up having deep, open, and honest conversations with each other about your relationship, including what was missing in it and how you’d like it to progress.

5. Your partner wants psychotherapy or counseling either individually or with you to understand his/her own dynamics and to improve your relationship.

If the former cheater shows these signs and you can forgive him/her, consider taking your partner back. Yet, be aware that taking your partner back carries one caveat: There’s a possibility your partner will slip back into infidelity.

And just how do you know if the cheating has resurfaced?

Here are some common signs that may indicate secret betrayal:

• He/she works late a lot.
• He/she suddenly takes trips you aren’t invited to go on.
• He/she spends too much time with hobbies that don’t include you.
• You get mysterious phone calls with hang-ups.
• You find bills for unexplained hotel stays or gift-type items.
• Intimacy in your relationship dramatically decreases.
• He/she grows more distant or agitated than usual.

Prepare yourself emotionally for the chance that you may become a victim of an affair again, but don’t expect it. You’ve chosen to forgive your partner, so let bygones be bygones. But if you uncover another affair, it’s time to protect yourself from any further heartbreak by breaking up with this hurtful person immediately. Move on and don’t let this unfaithful person ruin your future relationships. Leave your anger and sorrow behind; it’s not only fair to your next partner, but beneficial to your psychological well-being and your potential to bond with a better partner. Keep your spirits high, because there are wonderful new matches waiting out there — and right there on your computer screen!

In sum, if your partner strays, it doesn’t absolutely mean he/she will do it again. “Once a cheater, always a cheater” isn’t necessarily true. Forgiving and reuniting is an option. If you’ve been betrayed but want to see if it can work, go ahead and work on it. Just keep in mind that you’ve decided to take a risk, and don’t let paranoia get the best of you. But at the same time, pay attention to your partner’s behavior so you can spot which way the train is heading!

Dating Older Women

The reasons why some men date older women are as varied as the women themselves. These women, because of their experience, often have more wisdom and self-assurance than younger women — perhaps they may also possess more self-reliance and tolerance.

Some men receive mentoring from older women, who have had more relationship experience and often understand men well.

Some men receive mentoring from older women, who have had more relationship experience and often understand men well. Clearer about who they are and what they want, “older women” may even have an advantage in the dating arena.

In some cases, having a relationship with an older woman may work for men who don’t want children:

“My wife and I have been married for almost 20 years,” says Rocco. “She was 53 and I was 41 when we met. We both shared many values, including our faith. Our children are grown up now, and mine love her. So, it’s worked out very well. I tell men who have been divorced at least once to go for an older woman… If you find the right one, don’t worry about age — unless you still want more children.”

A man who dates someone who has children his age will run into the occassional social opposition. But there are men (like Ben, 25, who is dating a 45-year-old woman) who can overcome resistance. Ben says:

“A woman can be 25 and marry a man of 45 or 55 and, hey, whatever. Traditionally, it’s been ingrained in our psyches… that’s the way it goes, but not the other way around. We’ve always known that age may be an issue. But now that we’ve been together for a while, I have a new perspective.

Not all men are comfortable dating older women. Some men, like Clyde, worry about the future. Clyde says:

“I dated a woman who is 15 years older. We dated for a bit and then settled into just enjoying each others company. She has a fit body and is an attractive woman. People said to me, why don’t I commit to her if we enjoy each other’s company? I told them I worried about how things would feel in 10 years when she’s over 60 and I’m in my 40s… And then further down the years.”

Through my experience as a therapist and marriage counselor, age difference isn’t as important in a relationship as most people think. What counts is whether a couple can create a working partnership and build an enjoyable life together. So, for you men who’ve fallen head-over-heels in love with an older woman, I’ve developed nine tips on how to enjoy your newly found romance:

1. Be a gentleman. An older woman wants to be treated with respect, like any woman does. While she might attracted to your rebelliousness or youthful attitude, she still wants you to treat her with good manners.

2. Don’t get ahead of yourself. Don’t worry about the future until you actually might have one. Take your time and allow the relationship to develop.

3. Stay calm. You may be excited, but don’t overdo it. Have fun and enjoy your dates, but don’t come on too strong. She has some reservations, too.

4. Be charming. Don’t underestimate how powerful your smile can be. Use it often, make eye contact, and keep the conversation flowing. Pay attention to what interests you about your date, and show interest in her opinions, experiences, and activities. Be complimentary whenever possible, and respond intelligently to whatever she says.

5. Don’t focus on looks.

Give compliments, but focus less on her physical appearance — she may be anxious about it.

Give compliments, but focus less on her physical appearance — she may be anxious about it. And even if you’re complimentary, she may worry that you’re too focused on looks. She wants to be appreciated for who she is, including her intellect and style. Compliments like “That color is lovely on you,” or “You look great tonight” are safer than “You’re in great shape.”

6. Have fun. Keep your dates simple and have a good time. Focus on being pleasant, and not getting too far ahead of the relationship. Refrain from talking too long about any one subject without inviting a comment from your date.

7. Keep conversation interesting and light. Feel free to talk about anything, including your personal lives, past relationships, and love in general, but don’t be the one who brings up the intimate topics first. Be wary of prying too deeply into her private life and secrets, unless the information is voluntarily offered.

8. Avoid talking too much about yourself. Keep your focus on learning about your date. Dole out the boring information about yourself. Punctuate your conversation with questions: “What do you think?” “Has it been that way for you?”

9. Pay attention! Listen to answers to your questions. You have things to learn here! Seek to get to know each other better. No matter how thrilled you may be about her, listening to what she says, watching what she does, and understanding how she feels are the most important things you can do.

27 Unique Ideas for Dates

Planning a great date will score you major relationship points. The key is to understand your personal style and preferences as well as those of your date. Here are some unique date ideas to cover a wide range of hobbies, activities, and interests.

For Homebodies

• Cook a meal together.
• Play a board game and rediscover your childhood.
• Watch a full season of your favorite show on DVD for a TV marathon night.

For True Romantics

• Create love coupons

  Create love coupons for foot rubs and back massages and cash them in.

• Go all out with a traditional candlelight dinner.
• Reserve a B&B getaway.

For Adventure Seekers

• Spelunking (not the best idea for those afraid of heights).
• Whitewater rafting.
• Racecar driving school.

For Artistic Types

• Take a pottery class.
• Paint ceramics together.
• Attend an art show.

For Those Who Love to Learn

• Take a cooking class and

  expand your cooking repertoire

  expand your cooking repertoire as a couple.

• Audit a class on your favorite subject from history to art to marketing.
• Attend a poetry or book reading.

For Charity Givers

• Help with bingo night at the local senior citizens’ home.
• Volunteer at the hospital.
• Take an underprivileged kid to a ballgame or the circus.

For Sports Lovers

• Watch a minor league game.
• Join a pickup game in the park, from softball to volleyball to ultimate Frisbee.
• Take scuba diving or golf lessons.

For Travel Buffs

• Go for a weekend getaway.
• Plan a vacation together.
• Get in the car and drive.

For Family Lovers

• Double date with the folks.
• Play charades.
• Plan and cook a big family dinner

Dating Tips Q&A: First Dates; Cures for Shyness and Pickiness

If you’re fresh on the online dating scene, here are some tips to soothe first-timer anxiety. Remember to take things slow, and keep a positive outlook. This way you’ll appear more confident and interesting to other searching singles!

Question: Help! The bar scene is just not working for me. Do you have any dating tips that will help me meet my “special someone”?

Answer: The rules of dating have changed. Consider trying an online service like Yahoo! Personals, where you have instant access to local singles that you might not otherwise have met. You can post your profile and photo for free and wait for people to seek you out, or you can do your own searching. Advanced search tools help you narrow your choices down to people who fit your criteria — then you can easily sign up and start a conversation with as many people as you like.

Question: I’ve been talking to a guy online for a couple of weeks now, and he wants to meet in person. What precautions should I take for our first date?

Answer: Treat people you meet online just as you would a stranger you meet in a bar.

Use common sense and take simple precautions

Use common sense and take simple precautions like telling someone where you’re going, driving there yourself or even double dating with a friend. It’s not a good idea to give a guy your address — meet him in a public place. Most important, take time to really get to know him first and wait until you are comfortable before taking the next step.

Question: I’m painfully shy and have a hard time approaching women who I find attractive. I meet a lot of women through my job, but can’t seem to get the nerve to ask them out. Any advice?

Answer: A lot of men get nervous about asking women out on dates for fear of rejection. If it’s easier for you to express yourself electronically, try out an online dating service like Yahoo! Personals. This way, you can be yourself and get to know someone through email or instant messaging and you will begin to build confidence once you realize that all women aren’t so intimidating after all. This also gives you the chance to play the field until you find the one woman that brings out your inner wild man!

Question: I’m a single parent without a lot of time, and I’m looking for someone to talk to. What can I do?

Answer:

Not everyone is looking for a serious relationship

Not everyone is looking for a serious relationship, and online personals are a great way to meet other single parents like yourself who are looking for companionship. It’s a good idea to take things slow. Yahoo! Personals gives you a forum to meet and get to know someone on your own terms. There are millions of singles to choose from, and you may just find “the one.”

Question: All of my friends have used Yahoo! Personals and are always going out on dates, so I decided to try it myself but am not getting the same results. They tell me I’m being too picky. What do you think?

Answer: Often, the main reason people don’t get many results is that their searches are too narrow. Consider broadening your requirements. Don’t limit yourself to “must make $200,000, have blonde hair and blue eyes, and live a quarter mile from me.” If you live in a small town, you may want to search a wider radius to meet people outside of your immediate area. Don’t be discouraged — just like in the offline world, it takes time to meet that special someone.

Dating Advice: Spot and Stop Friends Who Botch Your Love Life

In the “Sex and the City” movie, Miranda functions as a friend-turned-frenemy and helps derail her friend’s dream wedding. At a strategic point in the upcoming nuptials, she verbally puts down the idea of marriage to the commitment-phobic groom! In this one act, Miranda puts a nail in the coffin of her best friend’s dream. In case you haven’t seen the movie, I won’t reveal how things do turn out, but there are lessons learned from this scene.

First of all, finding love is a challenge; and unfortunately, friends and family members can sometimes make it even tougher. When people in your inner circle become negative, pessimistic, competitive, jealous, or don’t show you appreciation and/or encouragement, it inflames your own doubts and fears. If you’re in a new romantic relationship, these reactions can come on suddenly; they may be familiar and ingrained parts of lifetime relationships that are so subtle, you may not even be fully aware of them. In either case, unsupportive reactions toward your date and you can pull you both back into being hopeless about love. In extreme cases, they can sabotage a growing relationship, as Miranda did in the “Sex and the City” movie! And if you’re not dating someone currently,

negative feedback from people close to you can even stop you from getting back in the dating scene or dating altogether.

negative feedback from people close to you can even stop you from getting back in the dating scene or dating altogether.

A friend who feeds you negativity isn’t a friend, but a frenemy. A frenemy may be chipping away your dating potential without you even being aware of it. Ask yourself, do any of these incidents sound familiar?

• A “best friend” takes an instant dislike to a date you really like
• A friend insists that all the “good ones” are taken
• A sister/brother reminds you of your past failures or the duds you’ve fallen for
• Dad criticizes any date you bring around
• Mom clucks about how men/women would find you more attractive if you only lost those 10 pounds
• Your two closest friends flake on the first dinner party you’re hosting with your date

These are typical behaviors of friends-turned-frenemies. Here are four steps to use to handle frenemies and protect your love life:

Step 1: Uncover frenemies

Who do you spend the most time with socially? Regarding the people close to you, answer the following questions:

• Are they single? Are they in a relationship? If so, do they generally describe it as loving or not?
• Do you feel good hanging around them? How do you feel right after being with them?
• Are they supportive of your self-esteem and attractiveness?
• What are their attitudes towards love or relationships in general?
• How do they react when you’re in a relationship?

Step 2: Stop your whining

Often you are unconsciously encouraging your frenemies to be negative by complaining to them about what is wrong with your love life. For three days, take a notebook and make a note of every time you complain to anyone. For the next three days complain to no one. Write about how this feels.

Step 3: Make a list of what you need from frenemies

For example, you may need your best friend to stop complaining about how awful men/women are. You may need your dad/mom to tell you what he/she really likes about your new date.

Step 4: Ask your frenemies to give you the support you need

Be straight and honest.

Tell them you want to have a positive outlook about love and you need them to be positive too. Most will respond.

Tell them you want to have a positive outlook about love and you need them to be positive too. Most will respond. With the few frenemies who resist and continue being negative, move to a more distant, yet polite, relationship with them. You have to protect yourself and your own hopeful outlook on love.